One of my best friends introduced me to a new friend yesterday, because of our shared common unwanted experience. Because both of us were basically dumped in nearly the exact same way… (is there a break up guide for jerks?) However, as you all know, my break up happened forever (aka a year) ago, and I’ve been living and thriving. She however, has recently had her world flipped outside down. Ashley told her that I had been through it all, and that I had lots of experience in this category, and it’s something that I can verify.
Although I have had only one big break up in my life, it was tragic, devastating, destructive, exhausting, toxic, and of course, petty as fuck. I won’t disclose any nasty dirty details, because I do respect my previous boyfriend and I wish him very well, but I do want to put in my two cents and give some advice. Especially since there was so, so much I wish someone had told me while I was going through the whole thing.
I look back now, after surviving and moving on from that personal disaster. I’ve felt very differently about my breakup at different points in my life, but recently I have felt the same for a while.
It happened, although it was devastating at the time it was something that really strengthened me and made me so much more powerful and resilient. It changed my world–although at the time it seemed like everything sucked, I am so glad that I am where I am now. And I’ve changed so much, and matured as a result.
As for advice, I’ve separated it into a list… because I think through lists and that’s kind of how I organize things. I hope this helps, somewhat.
- You have spent the past (length of relationship) building something together, which has now fallen apart. Now is the time for you to build yourself up, and to build a life for yourself.
- It’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay cry. It does not make you a weaker person, and it does not make you a loser.
- Do not be ashamed that you ever believed in your relationship, because at one point you believed that person to be the greatest, and at one point that relationship made you the happiest person in the world. Don’t ever be ashamed that you believed in something, and that it had a special place in your heart.
- Someone who lets you go is not someone you need to be sad about leaving your life–they made the decision to let you go, and it’s their loss. Because you’re incredible.
- Your failed relationship does not define you–it does not mean you are a failure, a loser, or undeserving. It simply means that you two were not compatible. That’s it.
- People change, and don’t ever be upset that they do. Because you change, and you are always growing, maturing, and becoming a better person.
- Don’t expect your ex to come back, and don’t spend your time and energy on someone who couldn’t see how wonderful you are. They are not worth it.
- It is not a competition after you have a break up, there is no winning. But there is losing–if you choose to stay stuck in the past and hung up on them.
- Move forward. Always be moving forward.
- The time after a break up is the most magical time, because there are endless possibilities and so much change. Don’t waste that time dwelling on the past.
- Instead of focusing on loving someone, spend time loving yourself and mending your broken wounds.
- People say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. That is a lie that people use to distract themselves with sex. The only way you will get over someone is through your own process.
- Do not compare your progress with your ex’s–you are both different people with different circumstances.
- Do not backslide, it will make things a million times harder and a million times more complicated.
- Don’t wait around for anyone, your time is precious.
- The first person you date after a breakup will 99% be a rebound.
- You will probably change your mind after you say you’re okay and over it–it’s okay. It happens.
- Focus on falling in love with yourself (goals, dreams, hopes), and focusing on yourself, rather than trying to rush into another relationship.
- Cut the social media cord as soon as you can.
- Do not mourn the loss of someone who didn’t give enough fucks–you will meet so many wonderful people in your life.
- Your ex does not need to know how great you’re doing, and you should not care if they do.
- At one point you will look back, and wonder why you were ever so sad about something so small.
- The universe does not hand you anything that you cannot handle.
- Surviving this experience will make you so strong, and change you so much to the point where you cannot comprehend it.
- Do not social media stalk your ex.
- You should never regret the time you spent with someone–it is never a waste. They taught you what you want, and what you don’t want in a relationship among many other things you may not realize.
- Your friends are your soulmates, they will always be there for you. Family too.
- There is always a worse break up.
- Do not waste time thinking about what should have or could have happened, but think about all the opportunities you have now that it’s over.
- True love doesn’t spontaneously dump you.