If you had asked me three years ago what I had wanted to have when I graduated college, I would have told you that I wanted a career, a partner, and a rad apartment. And now, three years later, I have absolutely none of those things. And even though everyone has continued to tell me that things are going to be fine, and that I’m completely going to be okay, I still one hundred percent feel like I have failed myself.
Two weeks ago, I said that I had four weeks until my lease ended. In those four weeks, I was supposed to find a job, find an apartment, and sail off into the sunset wherever my career took me. Now, after two weeks have passed, with only two weeks left in my lease, I have nothing. I have nothing except disdain, frustration, and stress from this whole situation. Postgraduate life sucks, and I have gotten sick and lost a ton of weight from this whole thing.
Not to mention that I have taken a personal hit, as I have never been this disappointed or upset with myself in my entire life. It makes me question everything that I have ever accomplished or done, and it makes me question my character and myself. It makes me feel like I am none of the things that I believed that I was–independent, strong, determined, and passionate. But rather a failure and a disappointment.
It’s not about the boys or the apartment, but it’s about the job. The career that I cannot seem to find after weeks of searching. And I have finally reached my breaking point, where I just want to crawl into my bed and sob uncontrollably and drink wine out of the bottle.
And as my friends get engaged and continue their lives (I graduated early so they’re all still in school), I feel like I have hit this stagnant end to my life, although graduating college was supposed to be the very beginning of it.
I fully admit that I did not anticipate any of this. I anticipated finding a job instantly and moving to wherever my career took me, and leaving any Chicago boys in the dust.
And it frustrates me further because I feel like everything in my life has taken a hit because of all of this. The blog, my personal health, I am always in a bad mood and I feel like my content is dwindling and I’m not putting in 100% like I used to. And I’m so incredibly sorry for that.
And now that I have allowed myself to be upset and to vent about this and to stress out, tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow I will go back to being a wonderful blogger, like I was before this all happened. And tomorrow I will keep sending out resumes and living. I will put in my two weeks notice, and I will keep moving forward.
Things have been hard, and this is a tough transition. But I have always been a firm believer that the universe does not give you anything that you cannot handle. And one day, this will all be a thing of the past.
Regular blog posts will continue tomorrow.
I’ve fondly missed all of you.