I wrote an emergency blog post to meet my personally-dictated deadline… and fuck, guys, was today stressful.
I filmed a long makeup tutorial that you guys will see on Thursday, but here is a sneak preview:
It consistently refused to upload after hours so I shot an emergency upload for tonight… and guess what?
That failed too.
And then, I hurried to type up a blog post in my adrenaline and stress-fueled frenzy and guess what… that failed too.
The entire blog post was deleted and disappeared into thin air. Only the photo and title of the post remained, taunting me about how imperfect I was. Canva failed, but it’s always shit so I didn’t even get too mad at that. But WordPress being a disaster? I didn’t even want to talk about that.
I’m not someone who queues posts ahead of time and I’m someone who is terrible when it comes to stress (especially since as I type this I now see that my images won’t upload…) so I’m honestly going to be real with you guys for a moment.
I don’t really know how to start this blog post…but I always find that the words come to me as I just start talking. It’s one of those weird phenomenons that I have learned not to question. Anyways, I have found this blog to be a solace in many times where I have been conflicted in my life. I blogged about my worries when I graduated from college, I blogged about being heartbroken, and I believe that I will continue to blog as things happen and as I experience life. But one thing that I have hesitated to blog about in detail is my career and what exactly I am doing.
I was watching Master of None, and I stumbled upon this scene where Aziz Ansari perfectly inserts a quote from Sylvia Plath.
A quote like that is the exact kind of quote that makes you stop completely in your tracks to evaluate your life and what exactly you are doing. It makes you look at the choices that you have made and it makes you look at the future to see what it is exactly that you are chasing after.
I am someone who wants to do everything. I’m not going to lie–I’m one of those people that wants to do it all. I want to get my Master’s, I want to travel and go to foreign places, I want to blog about everything and anything, and of course, I want to fall in love and get married. But as I pursue one goal I feel like the others are slipping away or getting further and further away from me. I hate feeling like as I focus on one aspect of my life, that others are getting pushed to the backburner.
And as I watch all of my friends head in different directions, I cannot help but wonder if I’m going to truly be able to do it all. As one friend gives up the chance to travel to go to graduate school, or one decides to get married instead of taking a job in a new and exciting place, I look at my life and wonder if I am giving up something important in order to move forward in higher education.
And the truth is, as crazy as it sounds, I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing anything. I want to go to school so badly and I know that this is what feels perfectly right. I haven’t dated anyone in like six months (or even talked to a guy in a flirtatious way) and I made the choice to blog only 2x a week as I pursue my education, but every single one of those decisions doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. It doesn’t feel like I’m neglecting anything, but rather it is me making the pursuit of my education a priority. Because the undeniable truth is, these other things can wait for another day, but now is the time for me to continue my education. I can fall in love in a year or so from now, and I can travel someday…but going back to school is something that I am fully hoping to do this fall.
It’s definitely scary and it’s definitely a nerve-racking experience but it feels right. I don’t know what’s going to happen, as I sit here and hope for the best, but something in my heart tells me that everything is going to be perfectly okay.
So yes, I gave up the chance to be someone’s girlfriend and I gave up adventures that I could have had in Rome or France. I gave up continuing to work in development and being aimlessly twenty-something. But the prize of being a medical professional and continuing my education, that is priceless. And someday, I will be someone’s partner and I will travel and relax. But right now, certain things come first. And I think I can save those figs for later.
“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.”
Do you feel like you have sacrificed something to pursue something else? Have you ever “given up” on something to pursue another goal?